Julia Zhou
As I zoomed over several continents at 900 miles per hour back to good ol’ Uncle Sam, I carried a newfound burden. A change from the naive, lively girl of two weeks before could be seen in the slouch of my shoulders, enduring an mammoth weight. Past the cultural and historical expertise I’d gotten to develop, I’d come to a new understanding of the biases a marginalized person such as myself must face in this day and age. More than anything, however, I’d learned that though peoples’ bias may stem from stereotyping and the lumping together of people of a single identity, the most detrimental and common kind of bias is the kind that appears without any particular reason. And it can appear in ourselves, growing as a parasite deep inside.
Heidelberg, Germany is often lauded as a sector in Germany with the most beautiful scenic views and strong historical imprint. Entering Heidelberg in our rented van, I pressed a palm against the window, buzzing with excitement. My mom’s Trip Advisor had long built a high expectation for this area, and my family was looking forward to visiting the castles and cobblestone roads. Heading to lunch, a very pink man in a yellow polo shirt and khakis walked past us. His bald, sun head gleamed in the sunlight.
“Chink.”
Stunned, my face burned with embarrassment and offense. The level of humiliation I felt at that moment seemed to equal standing in the center of a circus tent, shiny red clown nose and all. My mom laughed. “Was that supposed to be racist?” She shrugged off something that I found super offensive. It was at that moment that I realized my mother, at 44 years old, had normalized this kind of behavior. She’d faced racist, attacking words and actions, and must have, at some point, reacted in a way as shocked as me. But, the constant barrage of actions in this way had numbed her perception of what was unacceptable. This realization caused even more shock to me than the initial confrontation. It was one thing that there was a single racist person in Heidelberg, Germany, but the fact that such things occurred so often that my headstrong mom found it just “amusing” made me upset. Was this what was to be expected in life as a colored person?
This encounter perhaps awoke a sense of realism in me. Before I’d carried naivety with me. Maybe I’d previously acknowledged what came with my tan skin and almond eyes, but had chosen to look another way, out of pure optimism. Had it been hope? Now I can see a glimpse of what my future might look like. As successful a woman I can be, I’ll never reach a level of social acceptance simply based on these deeply ingrained biases. It scares me to realize that America offers only equality in name, and not in being.
I feel what the previously mentioned encounter shows how, even beyond stereotyping, people have an automatic bias against Asian, or colored, people. People may have the bias that Asian people eat dogs, and are intelligent but socially incapable. And yet, lots of racism just comes from an inborn hate for Asian people. This seems obvious: what kind of person could have a reason to hate an enormous group of people? Isn’t racism just that? But from an inside perspective, this is quite the epiphany. Knowing that people will dislike you simply based on your skin tone seems foundational to racism, but is upsetting to hear.
Still, if an alien from a civilized planet were to see such behavior, they’d doubtless find systemic racism and biases unfounded and totally random. I suppose much of the reason can be attributed to slavery and the disrest that emerged from mass immigration. Upon the advent of slavery, white people in particular saw African people as lesser than them, due to themselves having total control over them. Later, as people began immigrating from Europe and Asia to the States, xenophobia could be found even in the cases of the white people from European countries like Ireland or Poland. But at some point in the timeline, the white Americans must have connected with the European immigrants out of similarity in appearance, and instead centralized their hate on Asian people, until they found merit in exploiting the numbers of Chinese immigrants to build but a railroad. It had a lasting effect on American people, even nowadays.
“Go back to your own country!”
“They’re stealing our jobs!”
And yet, many white Americans seem to find joy in being racist, just to be racist. They’re happy to be angry just to be angry, ironic as it sounds. And Asian people must be the easiest target.
This idea of “internalized racism” can too be applied to other groups of marginalized people. Women, for one. And internalized homophobia is such a current issue, with the LGBTQ community being attacked on social media platforms and in political settings. People part of these groups of people too can carry these internalized biases. Someone may face insecurities or think themselves inferior to people outside their community, simply because they’re colored, a woman, or queer. Of course, this applies to so many groups of people. I’ve felt shame when I’m the singular Chinese person in a predominantly white setting, particularly in sports.
This essay must truly seem all over the place. But the message I’m trying to make known here isn’t just about the singular experience of encountering an ignorant, old white dude in some obscure German countryside. It’s really about the collective experience as a marginalized person in a world where it seems everything is against you. Everywhere you turn, racist people may abound, and it’s difficult to overcome the idea that someone dislikes you just because you’re YOU. If the western beauty standards, negative media representation, and major political occurrences weren’t enough, this constant fear and insecurity causes you to begin to believe that you really aren’t as good as anyone else.
It hurts.
Since that experience in Germany, my understanding of race and such has grown immensely. On the flip side, I now battle with constant self-doubt stemming from the internalized racism I myself carry. I constantly seek to make myself as unthreatening as possible to fit in, seeking the approval of others. I always feel like I have to do the most to match up with others of another race. And I know that, like my mother, I’ll never be given the absolute same opportunities as others, as an Asian woman.
But I can do something to change that.